A milli a milli a milli

It's the middle of November now, and so far so GHEY.

I've been super lonely lately, but I am hanging out with more and more friends and that's helping. Not enough, though. Sucks. I'm a way good girlfriend.

The semester is coming to a close, which means the workload has gotten more intense and certainly more urgent, but I'm still writing in my blog instead of doing research for my Global Issues presentation, so...

I've been playing a lot of N64 lately. I need more games. I have four controllers and Mario Party, so if anyone wants in, you know where to find me.

I can't fucking wait for Christmas this year. But I hope everyone gets as high off of the family being together as I will, because they're not going to get much in the actual gifts department. Maybe I'll donate money to the Human Fund.

The Great Pumpkin.

Here's my Christmas list so far:

• new battery for my computer
• X Box 360 (with Halo, duh)
• Foosball Table
• framed artwork for my walls
• new sheets
• new hamper

I'm sure there will be more. I'm really trying to enhance my bachelor pad.


I can't wait until Thanksgiving. It's going to be so delicious.


I decided to be Peter Pan for Halloween. Sara is Tinkerbell. We're so cute.

Block.

I am genuinely excited to be voting in the upcoming Presidential election. I'm only 20, so this will be my first one, and boy what an election to start with! This election is (arguably) more important than any other elections in my life time (so far). On top of that, I have been following Barack Obama since I was a sophomore in high school, and now I get to vote for him! For President! It really is incredible; this is quite a landmark in my life. I feel like it's a sort of milestone for growing up, too, which is also neat.

School is going well. I had my first physics test today and I'm confident about 60% of it. College physics is a lot different (and more difficult) than high school physics was. I went to school early to study with two girls that I made friends with in that class; we got breakfast in the commuter cafe and mostly talked about boys and parents and sex and (some) physics - but mostly how we didn't understand it. I did get some really great french toast sticks, though. I wish I was eating them now.

I really like my schedule so far; the days get progressively easier and I don't have classes on Fridays. Monday is my longest day, Tuesday is chicken Tuesday, Wednesday after work I go to cycling class at the gym, Thursday after work is boot camp (gym) and The Office, and Friday I get to car pool to morning care with Sara. I have a new Saturday morning activity now, too - YMCA youth basketball games. It's the cutest thing I've ever seen. Sara and I went for the first time last week, and a bunch of our Y kids play and I shot hoops with them afterward. It was really awesome to see how happy they were to have their staff there cheering them on. I seriously love my job and those kids more than anything in the world.

So I guess things are going really well for me. I'm still not dating anyone, but that's okay because I have plenty of friends and cute puppies and family and homework to keep me occupied. I still get lonely but that's okay because I think everyone does. I'm sad that I've had writer's block for a really long time because I miss writing a lot. I think I'm just going to push through it and write until I knock down that wall. I know it's in there somewhere, I just have to find it again. Maybe tomorrow after work I'll go out into the woods somewhere with a notebook and just fill up a few pages, even if it sucks.

And in case John McCain is reading this:
It's pro-choice, not pro-abortion.

Life.

This week started off really well. Monday was my day from hell, with four classes (plus work, meaning out of the house from 8 a.m. to 9:30 p.m.), but I managed to get through it and still have a relatively good day. Tuesday I was late to morning care (what else is new), but I went to my physics lab after and I actually enjoyed it because I learned how to do it. Then I went to work and came home and mowed the front lawn and read tons of philosophy and took three quizzes on blackboard for Monday morning. I woke up (on the couch) Wednesday morning and I really didn't want to go to my 8 o'clock class, so I checked my e-mail, and lo and behold, class was canceled. The rest of the day went smoothly after that, until I got out of work.

Sara got a super sweet audition in New York, and I was planning on going with her (and her mom) to spend the weekend in the city. I called her on my way home from work, and she told me that the plans had changed a little and the bus tickets were going to be $47, one way. That meant that money would be incredibly tight, so I was contemplating whether or not to go while I was opening a letter from Fitchburg State:

A bill for $584.01.

There went my weekend. I fell into a hole after that and I'm finally getting out of it. I didn't finish cutting the grass that night like I had planned to. Instead I got high and ate a pint of ice cream and felt sorry for myself. Thursday I woke up and went to morning care (late, again) and brought Sara a coffee from Gourmet and skipped physics to sleep until 12:30. Then I finished cutting the grass and went to work, after which I did a little homework and then went to Peter's house with Greg, and us, Glenn, and Greg (DiFran) got drunk around a fire. Yesterday I woke up at 12:30 hungover and got a bloody nose (yuck). Work was really fun, but on my way home I started to get really sad and lonely.

It was the first time since my dad left that I really felt the emptiness. It was one of those nights where I would have called him and he would have come over (or have already been at the house with Jesse) and we would have just eaten dinner and watched tv and I would have felt better instantly.

Instead I watched some things I recorded on DVR until my mom came home, and we ate cookies and watched the season premiere of House. At 10 I went to my room, rolled myself a joint, smoked half of it, and fell asleep watching Futurama.

This week is a nice metaphor for my life. Things look really good, but they usually don't turn out that way.

Eventually they will, though. Until then, I guess I'll just concentrate on living.

Morning.

Scenes from a house of 3:

Mom (referring to a single yellow squishy ear plug she just placed on the counter): I'm going to throw this out if you don't want it.
Jesse (looking at the yellow squishy ear plug, as grossed out as I was): Well, it doesn't do much good without the other one.


Lately (specifically the past few days), I have been really starting to appreciate my life and the people in it. I got a card from my dad the other day that had a little piggy key chain with it that absolutely made my day. It's nice to know that he's still a part of my life, and vice versa, even with all of the distance between us. I'm going to call Nick today (and I mean it this time) because I haven't talked to him in a long time, and for once I have things to say that isn't just what I've been watching on television.

I've been sleeping a lot lately, and I'm sure that I'll get over it soon once I get into the rhythm of school, but boy do I love napping. There aren't many feelings that I love more than feeling myself drift off to sleep. Would be nice to have someone to nap with, but I'm just fine with my dogs for now.

While I do let my sadness overwhelm me at times, I really do have a great life. It's unfortunate that I rarely see it, though, and I plan to start working on it.

Anyhow, I have homework to do, so if you want to know more, well, you'll just have to wait.

Student.

Yep, you read that right. I'm a student again. And it's about fucking time. Fitchburg is actually a really nice school, and a lot easier to get around than I anticipated it would be. The construction is really inconvenient, though. Makes driving around a bitch.

Yesterday was my first day, and I'm already really tired. So far I've had 5 out of my 6 classes. I switched my online Global Issues to a Monday night class because Glenn told me to so that we could have a class together. It didn't take much convincing, though, because for a subject like "global issues", I really can't get much out of it by sitting in my room with no one to bounce ideas off of.
[post script - I don't have any classes on Friday. Rock.]

Work has been going well, too. On Monday, I'm getting two new kids in my classroom that are, well, kind of a handful, but I'm optimistic. I have four kindergartens and they're all just precious. Working for Glenn is bomb, too (duh).

Other than that, life is just... normal. Or as normal as it can get these days. My dad is in Oregon, so that sucks. Jesse moved back in, and even though it's temporary, I like having another person in the house; two people don't fill it up enough. I still hang out with Sara every night (duh), and we do our thing. I don't know what I'm going to do if she leaves me for a boy. I'd be so lonely.

That's all I've got left to say. If you want to know more you'll just have to talk to me.

Postpone.

Oh, good morning.

Today was my first morning shift and I'm already really glad that I'm taking mornings. I work at Cleghorn now and, while the kids over there are great, I really miss my Wallace kids. Working at Cleghorn is great, though. I don't have to deal with parking meters or pre-school or walking kids to the bathroom. Plus, I work with/for Glenn and it's fun.

My mom has been bringing Eli to Doggy Day Care up by Target to "socialize" him, but she's been leaving Adam home. It's the most heartbreaking thing I've ever seen; every time a car goes by, Adam sticks his ears up with what I can imagine is hope that it's Eli coming home. He doesn't even want to play.

I'm supposed to be mowing the lawn now, but the grass is wet. Oh well! Guess I'll have to postpone that, too.

Sara and I have been postponing our business at FSC since Monday.

Postpone, postpone, postpone.

Maine.

Thank God (or someone) that this week is over. Camp was the worst. It wasn't helped by the fact that it rained almost every day, and every child and every counselor was confined to the rec hall, which is much too small.

The bright side of camp is that everyone has embraced farts and the sounds they make, which has become the perfectly timed comic relief when I feel like my head might explode.

I'm going to Maine with Sara this weekend and, though it's only two days and a night, I'm very excited to get away from everything and everyone that is around here. It's going to be such a pain to be stuck here when school starts, but hopefully there will be some people there that aren't as awful as the people that are already here. I guess I'm cynical, but I wouldn't be if everyone didn't suck so much.

My room is super clean now and has become my sanctuary. Sara comes over after work, we do our thing, and then recede into our respective rooms to do whatever we feel like doing, which usually consists of eating, watching tv, and often sleeping through the evening. This not only leaves me refreshed for work the next day, but it also lets me miss calls with an excuse and saves me from seeing people that I have no interest in seeing (which is almost everyone). When I'm at work I day dream about being in my room, cuddled in my bed, and reading a book or just sleeping the rest of the day away. Sleep has become my main motivation to get me through the work day, when I know for sure I'll be alone.

I guess I'm just jaded with the quality of people I've come to know. It hurts to know that someone you care about so much and think about so often can call you and fill your head with everything you've wanted to hear for so long and you genuinely believe it, until you wake up the next morning and realize that it wasn't true at all, not even a little bit. Besides my family, there are very few people that I can depend on, and it causes me to recoil. I've been hurt so often by people that I've come to care about that I'm starting to realize that it's just a part of life, and I've begun to expect it. I don't know if I'll ever find a [romantic] relationship where I'm not at the edge of my seat, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

All I can do is be me, whoever that is.

Yucky.

My dad left for Oregon this morning, permanently. I really have no idea what life is going to be like without him, but I can already tell that I'm not going to be sleeping much until he gets where he's going. He's driving across the country by himself and he estimated a ten day trip. This reminds me of the time that my brother Nick went to Cambodia and I woke up from a nightmare and left him a hysterical voice mail and cried myself to sleep. At least I have Miles over my bed to help me out, even if the clock on my wall ticks too loudly.

The past few days have been just awful. I'm sick of experiencing the same things over and over again. I really wish that there was someone out there to prove to me that not everyone is a shit head.

I can't wait for school to start.

I'm working at the Cleghorn branch of the after school program, and Glenn will be my boss. He's called me three times from the Radiohead concert tonight and sent me a picture. I made plans with Will to go see The Mars Volta in September (and whoever else wants to go) and I'm super psyched. Oh, how I love these boys of mine. Peter deserves a shout out, too, because he's a good one; maybe even great.

Shit, I really wish I had been paying attention to this episode of SVU.

Kickball.

It really takes hanging out with all of the right people to realize that you've been hanging out with the wrong people all along.

Today was a really super good day and I had so much fun. Tonight was especially fun. I'm so glad to be light years away from the person I was just a year ago. If this is what growing up and maturing feels like, then sign me up.

I'm also beginning to really appreciate my family. This past weekend, I drove down to Virginia with my father to visit my aunt. We spent two days sitting around and playing Scrabble and just really enjoying each other's company. My dad's aunt and uncle came down to visit, too, and they took us out to dinner and we all visited my uncle's grave the next day. It was a really warm feeling to be surrounded by people that share your history.

Everything seems to be falling together quite nicely. My friends are good, my family is good, and as a result I'm becoming myself more and more each day. School is starting soon and I only see good things coming from that, and to be honest I'm more than excited to go back. I'm actually looking forward to homework. I've come a long way in the past few years, and though initially I would want to change some experiences, I know I wouldn't because they've made me me. I'm driving myself towards real goals and creating a present and a future for myself all at once.

The way I figure it, life's a gift and I don't intend on wasting it.

Oops.

It's been a long time since I've written in this, and boy has it been a hell of a month. I'll start roughly where I left off.

Camp started, and it's been significantly better, and also significantly worse, than last year. It's better because I got over my "slutty summer" phase and my "gossip queen" phase, and slid into my grown up, responsible, work-comes-first era. (I do not call this one a phase because I plan to hold on to these qualities and grow on them.) It's been worse because Mike is no longer there, and things in the office haven't been going to smoothly. Also, most of the new staff suck. A lot. (I say "most" because there are some exceptions, but I will only get into detail about the crappy ones.) They are constantly on their cell phones and neglecting their kids. They gossip and swear and don't take their job seriously. It's endlessly frustrating. And don't get me started on the C.I.T's. But what I will say about this summer is that the kids are phenomenal. I have closer relationships with more kids and I am really enjoying even the difficult ones.

While I do love summer, I'm also very excited about going back to school. Oh yeah! I am officially a Fitchburg State College student! I registered for classes and took my I.D. picture and everything. I'm majoring in Elementary Education and Moderate Sped with a minor in Math. Not being in school did terrible things to me, so I can only imagine that going to school will make [most] things better. I'm actually even looking forward to homework. Jeeze.

Now for the less exciting stuff, my Uncle Bill passed away at the beginning of July. Nick came down for the week planning on going to a birthday party, but ended up going to a funeral. It was really sad and during the eulogies I lost it. I cried so hard that I had to use my brother Jesse to keep me up. I don't think I cried because I was sad as much as I was crying about how good he was. I know that sounds incredibly cliche, but he really appreciated life more than anyone I knew. Fortunately, Nick's visit wasn't all bad. My family and I went to see Iron Man at the Strand and it was excellent. Then on Saturday, we went up to New York again to swim at my aunt's boyfriend's house. It was really, really fun.

This coming weekend, my dad and I are going to Virginia to visit my Aunt Mirna. I'm looking forward to spending time with everyone again, this time on a much lighter note. Unfortunately, my dad and I are going this weekend because he's leaving for Oregon the first week of August. That's really going to suck a lot, too, but I suppose it'll be good for him.

Anyhow, I don't really have much else to say. I've been super lonely lately, and none of the boys that I know are worth dating, even if they'd have me. (Hopefully school will fix that, too.)

That's all, for now.

Babies smell.

The first week of camp is over, and it went swimmingly (for the most part). Unfortunately, as camp goes, by the end of every day I was ready to tear my hair out with my own two hands. Fortunately, they put me with a competent co-worker for next week so all that should be ancient history. Last night I was so exhausted from working at 6:30 every morning and running around outside all day that I fell asleep at 7 p.m. and didn't wake up until 7 a.m. this morning.

My mother and cousin Frank left for New York around the time that I woke up. So far today I've gone to the bathroom twice, watched three episodes of Sex and the City, and now I'm watching Jurassic Park. Five minutes in, and I could say with absolute certainty that I'd rather take my chances on Titanic. I'd really rather be dead if and when something started to eat me.

I know I promised a more detailed entry, but that's all I have the energy for. Plus, I'm watching Jurassic Park, so you'll have to excuse me.

Schizophrenia.

Day one of camp totally kicked my ass. I'll update in much detail when I can keep my eyes open for longer than 5 minutes at a time.

I will say this, however: 11 hours on a rainy day with 7-year-olds who only want to swim and don't understand that lightening means they can't is enough to change your mind about coming back the next day. Good thing I'm a seasoned veteran.

I have to work at 6:30 (again) tomorrow morning, but this time at the YMCA. This means I have to leave my house at 6:05 a.m. which I am really not looking forward to.

My plan for the rest of the evening is to shower, eat some ice cream cake, and fall asleep listening to Radiohead. Maybe I'll make my lunch for tomorrow, too. (But probably not.)

Incredible.

Yesterday was seriously one of the worst days I've had in a long time. Every little thing just seemed to go wrong for me to the point where I left BJ's in tears. It was like, "Welcome back to Massachusetts. Remember why you left?"

Today was considerably better, even if it was just because it wasn't yesterday anymore. Work was okay as far as work goes; I got another splitting headache, though, which I've been getting every day since coming home. I ate an entire box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch throughout the day which sounds grosser (more gross?) every time I say it. Then this evening I took my dad to see The Incredible Hulk for father's day which was AMAZING (again).

Things have just been weird since I got back. It was as if I left all of my problems at home when I was in California, and they were all just sitting here collecting dust, waiting for me when I got back; I'm just feeling emotionally overwhelmed. Thank goodness camp starts so soon because I would go nuts just sitting around for much longer. Thursday and Friday are full days at the Y (9:30-5:30), and then I'm getting kicked out of my house Saturday night because my cousins are coming. Sunday I took a shift at family camp, and then it's away I go.

Is it too soon for another vacation?

Straight from my paper journal.

(Written shortly after takeoff):
I know that it's time for me to go home, and I'm really looking forward to sleeping in my own bed, but looking down at the California lights as I ascend thousands of feet in the air is filling me with a deep sadness that I was not expecting.
I felt really at home [while I was there], which I was also not expecting. My heart is filled with such love and happiness and I just wanted to hold on to it a little longer.

(Written shortly after landing):
When I landed at JFK, I took out my ticked to see what gate I was going to for my connecting flight, and that's when I realized that it didn't say. My burns were hurting worse than usual, so I popped some pills and waddled off the plane and into the terminal. I found a TV that told me my plane would be at gate 18, so I slowly set out following the signs. After a few minutes of painfully dragging myself around, I found that I had to take a shuttle; awesome.
When I stepped outside, New York smelled like the inside of a tent on the first night of camping, and the shuttle smelled like a wet nap.
So far, so good.
Now I get to sit in the airport for two hours and wait for my 45 minute flight.
It's 5:15 a.m. EST, which means it's too early to talk to anyone on the east coast, and too late to talk to anyone on the west coast.


And now, a bird is flying around the gate. Inside. Ugh, even indoors New York sucks. I've also noticed that at these little food/drink/news stands, they have plenty of Pepsi and Diet Pepsi and Sierra Mist, but now Mountain Dew. If I see any Yankees or Giants fans, I'm going to throw up.
At least I got some sleep on the plane. They handed out sleep masks, so I forced myself to nap a little. I used the neck pillow my mom gave me and put it on the tray table and hunched over. I drooled all over it, and woke up several times to wake my hands up.
And I don't even look awesome.


Soon I'll update about the rest of my California adventures and the fun I'm sure to have[/better have] this weekend.


OH... and since when did they stop giving out blankets on overnight flights? SUCKS.

10,000 mg.

This sunburn on the back of my legs is up there with the worst things that have ever happened to me. It covers the entirety of both of my legs and it sucks to walk and to sit. I really don't know how I'm going to sit on a plane for 5.5 hours tomorrow. I just don't. I can't imagine it getting any worse than this, though.

The past few nights Danielle, Natale, Ray and I have been watching the X-Men movies. Tonight we're on to X3, and then we're going to the midnight premier of The Incredible Hulk. This week is totally marvel-ous.

Danielle's upstairs neighbors have been being very loud for a few hours. I'm pretty sure it's in anticipation of the Celtics-Lakers game tonight. We went to Ribs U.S.A. the other night and I have never felt more American/afraid to be a Boston fan in my life. Naturally, we kept our Boston allegiance quiet so that we could finish our dinner and not be thrown out onto the street. It wasn't all bad; we got to throw peanut shells onto the floor (and we did).

Tomorrow is Friday the 13th and I'm taking a red eye home. Wish me luck.

Another attempt.

I'm going to skip the boring introduction bull-crap, because I would hope that if you're reading this it's because you already know me. If not, than it's your loss.


I'm in California right now, and I am having the best time. I'm also the most sunburned. I'm sure there's some sort of connection there, i.e. the more sunburned you are, the more fun you've been having, but whatever.

I'm leaving on Friday night and arriving on Saturday morning to go to camp orientation all day. I hope I can find a ride home from the airport, because so far it looks like I'm walking.

We went to the beach in Malibu today (we being Danielle, Natale, Ray and I) and we saw the MOST AWESOME GIRLS there [with their MOST AWESOME MOM].


I don't really have anything to say, and I'm sorry that I bored you with what I already said.

I'm going to put on some more aloe.