Life.

This week started off really well. Monday was my day from hell, with four classes (plus work, meaning out of the house from 8 a.m. to 9:30 p.m.), but I managed to get through it and still have a relatively good day. Tuesday I was late to morning care (what else is new), but I went to my physics lab after and I actually enjoyed it because I learned how to do it. Then I went to work and came home and mowed the front lawn and read tons of philosophy and took three quizzes on blackboard for Monday morning. I woke up (on the couch) Wednesday morning and I really didn't want to go to my 8 o'clock class, so I checked my e-mail, and lo and behold, class was canceled. The rest of the day went smoothly after that, until I got out of work.

Sara got a super sweet audition in New York, and I was planning on going with her (and her mom) to spend the weekend in the city. I called her on my way home from work, and she told me that the plans had changed a little and the bus tickets were going to be $47, one way. That meant that money would be incredibly tight, so I was contemplating whether or not to go while I was opening a letter from Fitchburg State:

A bill for $584.01.

There went my weekend. I fell into a hole after that and I'm finally getting out of it. I didn't finish cutting the grass that night like I had planned to. Instead I got high and ate a pint of ice cream and felt sorry for myself. Thursday I woke up and went to morning care (late, again) and brought Sara a coffee from Gourmet and skipped physics to sleep until 12:30. Then I finished cutting the grass and went to work, after which I did a little homework and then went to Peter's house with Greg, and us, Glenn, and Greg (DiFran) got drunk around a fire. Yesterday I woke up at 12:30 hungover and got a bloody nose (yuck). Work was really fun, but on my way home I started to get really sad and lonely.

It was the first time since my dad left that I really felt the emptiness. It was one of those nights where I would have called him and he would have come over (or have already been at the house with Jesse) and we would have just eaten dinner and watched tv and I would have felt better instantly.

Instead I watched some things I recorded on DVR until my mom came home, and we ate cookies and watched the season premiere of House. At 10 I went to my room, rolled myself a joint, smoked half of it, and fell asleep watching Futurama.

This week is a nice metaphor for my life. Things look really good, but they usually don't turn out that way.

Eventually they will, though. Until then, I guess I'll just concentrate on living.

Morning.

Scenes from a house of 3:

Mom (referring to a single yellow squishy ear plug she just placed on the counter): I'm going to throw this out if you don't want it.
Jesse (looking at the yellow squishy ear plug, as grossed out as I was): Well, it doesn't do much good without the other one.


Lately (specifically the past few days), I have been really starting to appreciate my life and the people in it. I got a card from my dad the other day that had a little piggy key chain with it that absolutely made my day. It's nice to know that he's still a part of my life, and vice versa, even with all of the distance between us. I'm going to call Nick today (and I mean it this time) because I haven't talked to him in a long time, and for once I have things to say that isn't just what I've been watching on television.

I've been sleeping a lot lately, and I'm sure that I'll get over it soon once I get into the rhythm of school, but boy do I love napping. There aren't many feelings that I love more than feeling myself drift off to sleep. Would be nice to have someone to nap with, but I'm just fine with my dogs for now.

While I do let my sadness overwhelm me at times, I really do have a great life. It's unfortunate that I rarely see it, though, and I plan to start working on it.

Anyhow, I have homework to do, so if you want to know more, well, you'll just have to wait.

Student.

Yep, you read that right. I'm a student again. And it's about fucking time. Fitchburg is actually a really nice school, and a lot easier to get around than I anticipated it would be. The construction is really inconvenient, though. Makes driving around a bitch.

Yesterday was my first day, and I'm already really tired. So far I've had 5 out of my 6 classes. I switched my online Global Issues to a Monday night class because Glenn told me to so that we could have a class together. It didn't take much convincing, though, because for a subject like "global issues", I really can't get much out of it by sitting in my room with no one to bounce ideas off of.
[post script - I don't have any classes on Friday. Rock.]

Work has been going well, too. On Monday, I'm getting two new kids in my classroom that are, well, kind of a handful, but I'm optimistic. I have four kindergartens and they're all just precious. Working for Glenn is bomb, too (duh).

Other than that, life is just... normal. Or as normal as it can get these days. My dad is in Oregon, so that sucks. Jesse moved back in, and even though it's temporary, I like having another person in the house; two people don't fill it up enough. I still hang out with Sara every night (duh), and we do our thing. I don't know what I'm going to do if she leaves me for a boy. I'd be so lonely.

That's all I've got left to say. If you want to know more you'll just have to talk to me.

Postpone.

Oh, good morning.

Today was my first morning shift and I'm already really glad that I'm taking mornings. I work at Cleghorn now and, while the kids over there are great, I really miss my Wallace kids. Working at Cleghorn is great, though. I don't have to deal with parking meters or pre-school or walking kids to the bathroom. Plus, I work with/for Glenn and it's fun.

My mom has been bringing Eli to Doggy Day Care up by Target to "socialize" him, but she's been leaving Adam home. It's the most heartbreaking thing I've ever seen; every time a car goes by, Adam sticks his ears up with what I can imagine is hope that it's Eli coming home. He doesn't even want to play.

I'm supposed to be mowing the lawn now, but the grass is wet. Oh well! Guess I'll have to postpone that, too.

Sara and I have been postponing our business at FSC since Monday.

Postpone, postpone, postpone.

Maine.

Thank God (or someone) that this week is over. Camp was the worst. It wasn't helped by the fact that it rained almost every day, and every child and every counselor was confined to the rec hall, which is much too small.

The bright side of camp is that everyone has embraced farts and the sounds they make, which has become the perfectly timed comic relief when I feel like my head might explode.

I'm going to Maine with Sara this weekend and, though it's only two days and a night, I'm very excited to get away from everything and everyone that is around here. It's going to be such a pain to be stuck here when school starts, but hopefully there will be some people there that aren't as awful as the people that are already here. I guess I'm cynical, but I wouldn't be if everyone didn't suck so much.

My room is super clean now and has become my sanctuary. Sara comes over after work, we do our thing, and then recede into our respective rooms to do whatever we feel like doing, which usually consists of eating, watching tv, and often sleeping through the evening. This not only leaves me refreshed for work the next day, but it also lets me miss calls with an excuse and saves me from seeing people that I have no interest in seeing (which is almost everyone). When I'm at work I day dream about being in my room, cuddled in my bed, and reading a book or just sleeping the rest of the day away. Sleep has become my main motivation to get me through the work day, when I know for sure I'll be alone.

I guess I'm just jaded with the quality of people I've come to know. It hurts to know that someone you care about so much and think about so often can call you and fill your head with everything you've wanted to hear for so long and you genuinely believe it, until you wake up the next morning and realize that it wasn't true at all, not even a little bit. Besides my family, there are very few people that I can depend on, and it causes me to recoil. I've been hurt so often by people that I've come to care about that I'm starting to realize that it's just a part of life, and I've begun to expect it. I don't know if I'll ever find a [romantic] relationship where I'm not at the edge of my seat, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

All I can do is be me, whoever that is.

Yucky.

My dad left for Oregon this morning, permanently. I really have no idea what life is going to be like without him, but I can already tell that I'm not going to be sleeping much until he gets where he's going. He's driving across the country by himself and he estimated a ten day trip. This reminds me of the time that my brother Nick went to Cambodia and I woke up from a nightmare and left him a hysterical voice mail and cried myself to sleep. At least I have Miles over my bed to help me out, even if the clock on my wall ticks too loudly.

The past few days have been just awful. I'm sick of experiencing the same things over and over again. I really wish that there was someone out there to prove to me that not everyone is a shit head.

I can't wait for school to start.

I'm working at the Cleghorn branch of the after school program, and Glenn will be my boss. He's called me three times from the Radiohead concert tonight and sent me a picture. I made plans with Will to go see The Mars Volta in September (and whoever else wants to go) and I'm super psyched. Oh, how I love these boys of mine. Peter deserves a shout out, too, because he's a good one; maybe even great.

Shit, I really wish I had been paying attention to this episode of SVU.

Kickball.

It really takes hanging out with all of the right people to realize that you've been hanging out with the wrong people all along.

Today was a really super good day and I had so much fun. Tonight was especially fun. I'm so glad to be light years away from the person I was just a year ago. If this is what growing up and maturing feels like, then sign me up.

I'm also beginning to really appreciate my family. This past weekend, I drove down to Virginia with my father to visit my aunt. We spent two days sitting around and playing Scrabble and just really enjoying each other's company. My dad's aunt and uncle came down to visit, too, and they took us out to dinner and we all visited my uncle's grave the next day. It was a really warm feeling to be surrounded by people that share your history.

Everything seems to be falling together quite nicely. My friends are good, my family is good, and as a result I'm becoming myself more and more each day. School is starting soon and I only see good things coming from that, and to be honest I'm more than excited to go back. I'm actually looking forward to homework. I've come a long way in the past few years, and though initially I would want to change some experiences, I know I wouldn't because they've made me me. I'm driving myself towards real goals and creating a present and a future for myself all at once.

The way I figure it, life's a gift and I don't intend on wasting it.