Darkness?

I don't know why I reacted the way that I did. I can't really grasp it, but something in my snapped; I got so angry I just wanted to hit him to make him stop talking. Was I that deeply affected by Sticks & Bones? Am I now that person who can't hear the words, "I don't support the troops"? Or am I just ultra sensitive because I no longer have anything to distract me from this void?

That must be the one, here comes that emotion again. Why does it always happen this way? A project comes along, and I slough everything else off: school, laundry, loneliness? This emotion always seems to surface once my schedule opens up, once I have nothing left to hide behind.

I'm sad, but I still believe that something great will come along. True, it's been years (long ones, I might add), but I'm still young. I'm sure there's someone out there who will appreciate me for all of my flaws and my accomplishments alike. I know that there is something worth hoping for, and I seem to be at a loss when met with someone who no longer sees that hope. Did I react because that could be my future? I say that I will always have hope and see silver linings, but didn't he once? Or has life always been that dark and narrow?

How does one lose hope?

Or, better yet, how does one avoid losing hope?

school and stuff

Here's my weekly schedule until the end of October, in case anyone is interested. Really, I just want to see what it looks like all drawn out:

Monday:
6:30 - 9 am -- work @ YMCA pre-school
9:30 am - 1:45 pm -- school (3 classes)
2 - 5:30 pm -- work @ YMCA after-school
7 - 10ish pm -- rehearsal

Tuesday:
6:30 - 9 am -- work @ YMCA pre-school
9:30 am - 1:45 pm -- school (3 classes)
2 - 5:30 pm -- work @ YMCA after-school

Wednesday:
6:30 - 9 am -- work @ YMCA pre-school
9:30 am - 1:45 pm -- school (3 classes)
2 - 5:30 pm -- work @ YMCA after-school
7 - 10ish pm -- rehearsal

Thursday
6:30 - 9 am -- work @ YMCA pre-school
9:30 am - 1:45 pm -- school (3 classes)
2 - 5:30 pm -- work @ YMCA after-school

Friday:
6:30 - 9 am -- work @ YMCA pre-school
2 - 5:30 pm -- work @ YMCA after-school
7 - 10ish pm -- rehearsal




OUCH. Love those weekends...

wedding ring flows..

I haven't written here in a long time. It's not because I have nothing to say, it's because I always have someone to say it to. Same is true for right now, of course, but I feel like reflecting.

My mind has been on relationships lately, or rather, my lack-there-of. It's been a long time since I've wondered what is wrong with me, thought it might be my fault that no one likes me. Now, and for some time, I realize that there is nothing wrong with me. In fact, I'm a great catch. I'm easy to get along with and am often praised for my sense of humor; my friends love me because I am great to them, and my kids at the Y for the same reason. I have a lot of love in me and it's just dying to get out, find a release, and that's what makes me the most sad. I have so much to offer and I just want to find someone who realizes that, and has something to offer me, too. I am a hopeless romantic, and I suppose it's my fault for waiting to be swept off my feet, but fairy tales must come from some grain of truth, right? Is it so wrong to believe in love so much, especially when there is none right now? Not to say I don't have options, but it's never the right one. Anytime I put energy somewhere, it comes back from somewhere else. Was it something I said?

School starts soon, and I'm feeling my free time slip between my fingers, which is okay at this point. I'm feeling sad lately and spending a lot of time alone in my room. I guess part of me is very ready to start becoming a face in the crowd at Fitchburg State UNIVERSITY.

Damn, how things change when time flies...

Time to recant.

Not because I was told to, but because the last entry was written off emotions, so this one should be too. It's easy to forget that reaching out to someone can be as easy as walking in the front door after a long day. When I got home I was prepared to spend the entire night curled up in bed, wallowing, and all it took was a conversation to turn my whole night around. It's amazing how just talking to someone can make you feel so much better, and I, like most people, often forget that and leave my misery to myself.

The support is there, it's just up to me to use it properly. I won't delete my last post because it is a very valid one, just not always. There will always be someone here for me, but sometimes it's just easier to feel sorry for myself than it is to admit that a turnaround is right downstairs.

I love you, mom. I'm slowly learning to grab your hand when you extend it. Please don't stop trying. (And thank you for not giving up, no matter how many times you wanted to.)

Use your resources.

It's really difficult to live in such a big house with someone who is so far away from you all the time. It gets hard to stand your ground when someone is always trying to pull it out from under you. Having someone to talk to is such a gift, and if it's not at your fingertips, it's often hard to grasp. The feeling of being closer to someone who is 3,000 miles away than to someone who is right downstairs is something that I still haven't settled into, but it is nice to think about the support that is being sent my way, even if it takes a little longer.

I guess I'm just finding it harder and harder to bend around her, and I'm afraid I might break. I know not to bite the hand that feeds, but what if the hand is balled into a fist? (A non-threatening fist, of course, but clenched nonetheless.)

I am successful for what I am. I am a dean's list student. I work part-time at a job that I love, and that loves me right back. I have friends and a car (that I pay for) and I am well-liked and well-received by almost everyone that matters. But it's that 'almost' that is sometimes the only thing that matters.

Seasons.

The seasons this year have come and go so quickly that it's been difficult to get a grasp on them. I've never really noticed the change in seasons as much as I have this year, and the cold came way too quickly. I remember the day that I looked at the 10-day forecast, and for the first time in months, there wasn't a day with a high above 70. There are a few aspects of the season that make it bearable, and they're almost worth it; the smells, the colors, bundling up in bed and cozy coats when I go out, hats and gloves and scarves and hot cocoa and fires in the fire place... and this year, I get to see Levi experience his first fall season! He got a leaf stuck on his ear and spent the next 5 minutes sniffing the leaves on the ground around him. It makes me want to rake up all the leaves in the backyard into a big pile just to see how cute the first time he plays in it. I guess I'll have a lot to be thankful for in Oregon this Thanksgiving.

But that's for next month. This month's dilemma: halloween costume! Naked Rose is the best one but I'm around too many kids to rock that one. I also need to get a really great coat this year, and I definitely want a North Face jacket. I just want to be warm all the time.

New Heights

School has started again, and everything is exactly the same as it always is. I've been laughing a lot more than I have in a long time and just thoroughly enjoying life. I feel good about where I am and, while I'm obviously terrified, I'm excited about where I'm going, wherever that is. I think I'd be okay doing just this for a while, and since I have (at least) two years of school left, it looks like I will be.

I got a raise at work and now I drive the school-van. It's just a gray minivan with a School Bus sign and blinking red lights and yellow license plates, but it's so badass. This ride is already pimped.

I have homework to do. I forgot about how much school actually sucks.

Frankie say

My best friend left for Scotland on Thursday and I have been so lonely without her. Candy bars were 2/$1 at CVS, and I bought two... for myself. I'm going to get so fat if these things keep happening.

I have also lost my voice every week I've worked at camp this summer. It's Sunday night and I don't have it back yet, so this week is going to suck. I guess now is a good time to learn sign language. Or I'll carry around a mini chalkboard.

I have a decent amount of money in my banking account and I think I'm actually going to afford books this semester. I'm having a lot of fun this summer, and I really don't want school to start. I'm very relaxed.

I rise, you fall.

Yesterday was kickass. Went to see Transformers 2 with Sara and it was uh-may-zing. Seriously, the tits. Then we made mac n cheese and drank a bottle of Yellow Tail sparkling white wine. Today was great, too. Walked around the block with the biff and pups, shopped for CAMP.

Oh yeah, camp version 7.0 starts tomorrow. HOLY COW. 7 years.

I'm not readyyyyy. Now I have to do laundry, grocery shop, clean muh room, get lunch ready for tomorrow.... oh geeze. Good thing I got this new kickass Spider-Man backpack to put all my stuff in. Oh helllll yeah.

The Hangover

"That's the real world for you: Mr. Dauterive getting kicked in the groin."

Acoustic Medley

I wish I could keep up with anything I start doing. I've been so busy and exhausted over the past month that I don't even know where to begin. Taming of the Shrew just closed on Saturday night, and it was the most fun I've had since I can remember. I met so many great people and made so many amazing friends that I am so grateful for. I even changed my major because it was such an inspiring experience. Unfortunately, it's now over and I have to get back to reality, which means this huge pile of homework that's all due within the next three days. At least I know that once this is over, I only have a few finals and then I'm done with school for the semester.

The weather has been beautiful lately (with some exceptions) and I'm really enjoying playing outside with the pups and driving with my windows down.

Oh yeah, we got a puppy! His name is Levi, he's a papillon, 3 months old and ADORABLE. He is the cutest, most lovable puppy and he's everything my mom and I hoped for when we decided on a puppy. He's brown, or "sable", so when he gets bigger people will be able to distinguish between him and Adam, or "Jackson", as my mom is trying to change his name. Levi has certainly brought a new life and new energy into the house, and I couldn't be happier, even though he poops in my room every time I take a shower. He poops EVERYWHERE, probably because he eats EVERYTHING. I have so many cuts on my hands from his sharp puppy teeth. He eats sticks and bugs and charred wood left over from the fire and chews on rugs and fingers and flip flops and socks and pants...

I can't wait for the end of school and my birthday and summer and Camp Lowe and my trip to California in July and sun sun sunnnnnnn. Things are great and I'm happy and very content with everything.

Weird.

Two days after that last post my dog Eli got hit by a car and died right outside my house. It was one of the saddest thing I've ever dealt with. I cried every day for a week. I still get teary when I talk about it sometimes, but for the most part things are getting better. My mom and I are going to look at a puppy on Sunday so Adam will have someone to keep him company. Hopefully it will bring some life back to him because he hasn't been eating much lately. He hasn't been playing much lately, either. He always looks so sad and lonely. I dream about Eli sometimes. I sure do miss him.

School is the same, for the most part. I haven't been able to drag myself out of bed this past week, but I think I'm okay with it considering things start in full swing next week. Well, kinda. Spring break is the week after, but who's counting?

Also, I'm officially back on the market now, so if Justin Timberlake is reading this, look me up.

I'm generally happy these days. Things are going well personally. I have the best best friend there is, I have a cute pup (singular), I have a car and a job that I love more than any person should, and I just feel good. I hope it gets warm soon, though, because then summer will be here soon and I just love the summer. :)

Thursday.

I wish that I didn't have to do schoolwork anymore. It's not that it's particularly difficult; I would just rather do nothing than do most anything. My classes are all enjoyable (for the most part), and I don't so much mind going to them, but homework just really cramps my style.

Lost is back on. I really don't have much to say about that except that it's awesome, but that goes without saying.

I've been failing the social part of life lately, which is nothing new. I don't talk to anybody, save my best friend. I don't have anything new or exciting to say. It's all just the same old shit. School, work, laziness, etc. I should work on fixing it, but the laziness is overwhelming...

I'm eating a turkey and salami sandwich at 8 in the morning. I don't see a problem with it.

This is the New Year.

So many things have changed since the last post. So many things. Except I'd still love an XBox 360.



Here's to 200-mine, and all the things to come.

A milli a milli a milli

It's the middle of November now, and so far so GHEY.

I've been super lonely lately, but I am hanging out with more and more friends and that's helping. Not enough, though. Sucks. I'm a way good girlfriend.

The semester is coming to a close, which means the workload has gotten more intense and certainly more urgent, but I'm still writing in my blog instead of doing research for my Global Issues presentation, so...

I've been playing a lot of N64 lately. I need more games. I have four controllers and Mario Party, so if anyone wants in, you know where to find me.

I can't fucking wait for Christmas this year. But I hope everyone gets as high off of the family being together as I will, because they're not going to get much in the actual gifts department. Maybe I'll donate money to the Human Fund.

The Great Pumpkin.

Here's my Christmas list so far:

• new battery for my computer
• X Box 360 (with Halo, duh)
• Foosball Table
• framed artwork for my walls
• new sheets
• new hamper

I'm sure there will be more. I'm really trying to enhance my bachelor pad.


I can't wait until Thanksgiving. It's going to be so delicious.


I decided to be Peter Pan for Halloween. Sara is Tinkerbell. We're so cute.

Block.

I am genuinely excited to be voting in the upcoming Presidential election. I'm only 20, so this will be my first one, and boy what an election to start with! This election is (arguably) more important than any other elections in my life time (so far). On top of that, I have been following Barack Obama since I was a sophomore in high school, and now I get to vote for him! For President! It really is incredible; this is quite a landmark in my life. I feel like it's a sort of milestone for growing up, too, which is also neat.

School is going well. I had my first physics test today and I'm confident about 60% of it. College physics is a lot different (and more difficult) than high school physics was. I went to school early to study with two girls that I made friends with in that class; we got breakfast in the commuter cafe and mostly talked about boys and parents and sex and (some) physics - but mostly how we didn't understand it. I did get some really great french toast sticks, though. I wish I was eating them now.

I really like my schedule so far; the days get progressively easier and I don't have classes on Fridays. Monday is my longest day, Tuesday is chicken Tuesday, Wednesday after work I go to cycling class at the gym, Thursday after work is boot camp (gym) and The Office, and Friday I get to car pool to morning care with Sara. I have a new Saturday morning activity now, too - YMCA youth basketball games. It's the cutest thing I've ever seen. Sara and I went for the first time last week, and a bunch of our Y kids play and I shot hoops with them afterward. It was really awesome to see how happy they were to have their staff there cheering them on. I seriously love my job and those kids more than anything in the world.

So I guess things are going really well for me. I'm still not dating anyone, but that's okay because I have plenty of friends and cute puppies and family and homework to keep me occupied. I still get lonely but that's okay because I think everyone does. I'm sad that I've had writer's block for a really long time because I miss writing a lot. I think I'm just going to push through it and write until I knock down that wall. I know it's in there somewhere, I just have to find it again. Maybe tomorrow after work I'll go out into the woods somewhere with a notebook and just fill up a few pages, even if it sucks.

And in case John McCain is reading this:
It's pro-choice, not pro-abortion.

Life.

This week started off really well. Monday was my day from hell, with four classes (plus work, meaning out of the house from 8 a.m. to 9:30 p.m.), but I managed to get through it and still have a relatively good day. Tuesday I was late to morning care (what else is new), but I went to my physics lab after and I actually enjoyed it because I learned how to do it. Then I went to work and came home and mowed the front lawn and read tons of philosophy and took three quizzes on blackboard for Monday morning. I woke up (on the couch) Wednesday morning and I really didn't want to go to my 8 o'clock class, so I checked my e-mail, and lo and behold, class was canceled. The rest of the day went smoothly after that, until I got out of work.

Sara got a super sweet audition in New York, and I was planning on going with her (and her mom) to spend the weekend in the city. I called her on my way home from work, and she told me that the plans had changed a little and the bus tickets were going to be $47, one way. That meant that money would be incredibly tight, so I was contemplating whether or not to go while I was opening a letter from Fitchburg State:

A bill for $584.01.

There went my weekend. I fell into a hole after that and I'm finally getting out of it. I didn't finish cutting the grass that night like I had planned to. Instead I got high and ate a pint of ice cream and felt sorry for myself. Thursday I woke up and went to morning care (late, again) and brought Sara a coffee from Gourmet and skipped physics to sleep until 12:30. Then I finished cutting the grass and went to work, after which I did a little homework and then went to Peter's house with Greg, and us, Glenn, and Greg (DiFran) got drunk around a fire. Yesterday I woke up at 12:30 hungover and got a bloody nose (yuck). Work was really fun, but on my way home I started to get really sad and lonely.

It was the first time since my dad left that I really felt the emptiness. It was one of those nights where I would have called him and he would have come over (or have already been at the house with Jesse) and we would have just eaten dinner and watched tv and I would have felt better instantly.

Instead I watched some things I recorded on DVR until my mom came home, and we ate cookies and watched the season premiere of House. At 10 I went to my room, rolled myself a joint, smoked half of it, and fell asleep watching Futurama.

This week is a nice metaphor for my life. Things look really good, but they usually don't turn out that way.

Eventually they will, though. Until then, I guess I'll just concentrate on living.

Morning.

Scenes from a house of 3:

Mom (referring to a single yellow squishy ear plug she just placed on the counter): I'm going to throw this out if you don't want it.
Jesse (looking at the yellow squishy ear plug, as grossed out as I was): Well, it doesn't do much good without the other one.


Lately (specifically the past few days), I have been really starting to appreciate my life and the people in it. I got a card from my dad the other day that had a little piggy key chain with it that absolutely made my day. It's nice to know that he's still a part of my life, and vice versa, even with all of the distance between us. I'm going to call Nick today (and I mean it this time) because I haven't talked to him in a long time, and for once I have things to say that isn't just what I've been watching on television.

I've been sleeping a lot lately, and I'm sure that I'll get over it soon once I get into the rhythm of school, but boy do I love napping. There aren't many feelings that I love more than feeling myself drift off to sleep. Would be nice to have someone to nap with, but I'm just fine with my dogs for now.

While I do let my sadness overwhelm me at times, I really do have a great life. It's unfortunate that I rarely see it, though, and I plan to start working on it.

Anyhow, I have homework to do, so if you want to know more, well, you'll just have to wait.

Student.

Yep, you read that right. I'm a student again. And it's about fucking time. Fitchburg is actually a really nice school, and a lot easier to get around than I anticipated it would be. The construction is really inconvenient, though. Makes driving around a bitch.

Yesterday was my first day, and I'm already really tired. So far I've had 5 out of my 6 classes. I switched my online Global Issues to a Monday night class because Glenn told me to so that we could have a class together. It didn't take much convincing, though, because for a subject like "global issues", I really can't get much out of it by sitting in my room with no one to bounce ideas off of.
[post script - I don't have any classes on Friday. Rock.]

Work has been going well, too. On Monday, I'm getting two new kids in my classroom that are, well, kind of a handful, but I'm optimistic. I have four kindergartens and they're all just precious. Working for Glenn is bomb, too (duh).

Other than that, life is just... normal. Or as normal as it can get these days. My dad is in Oregon, so that sucks. Jesse moved back in, and even though it's temporary, I like having another person in the house; two people don't fill it up enough. I still hang out with Sara every night (duh), and we do our thing. I don't know what I'm going to do if she leaves me for a boy. I'd be so lonely.

That's all I've got left to say. If you want to know more you'll just have to talk to me.