Time to recant.

Not because I was told to, but because the last entry was written off emotions, so this one should be too. It's easy to forget that reaching out to someone can be as easy as walking in the front door after a long day. When I got home I was prepared to spend the entire night curled up in bed, wallowing, and all it took was a conversation to turn my whole night around. It's amazing how just talking to someone can make you feel so much better, and I, like most people, often forget that and leave my misery to myself.

The support is there, it's just up to me to use it properly. I won't delete my last post because it is a very valid one, just not always. There will always be someone here for me, but sometimes it's just easier to feel sorry for myself than it is to admit that a turnaround is right downstairs.

I love you, mom. I'm slowly learning to grab your hand when you extend it. Please don't stop trying. (And thank you for not giving up, no matter how many times you wanted to.)

Use your resources.

It's really difficult to live in such a big house with someone who is so far away from you all the time. It gets hard to stand your ground when someone is always trying to pull it out from under you. Having someone to talk to is such a gift, and if it's not at your fingertips, it's often hard to grasp. The feeling of being closer to someone who is 3,000 miles away than to someone who is right downstairs is something that I still haven't settled into, but it is nice to think about the support that is being sent my way, even if it takes a little longer.

I guess I'm just finding it harder and harder to bend around her, and I'm afraid I might break. I know not to bite the hand that feeds, but what if the hand is balled into a fist? (A non-threatening fist, of course, but clenched nonetheless.)

I am successful for what I am. I am a dean's list student. I work part-time at a job that I love, and that loves me right back. I have friends and a car (that I pay for) and I am well-liked and well-received by almost everyone that matters. But it's that 'almost' that is sometimes the only thing that matters.

Seasons.

The seasons this year have come and go so quickly that it's been difficult to get a grasp on them. I've never really noticed the change in seasons as much as I have this year, and the cold came way too quickly. I remember the day that I looked at the 10-day forecast, and for the first time in months, there wasn't a day with a high above 70. There are a few aspects of the season that make it bearable, and they're almost worth it; the smells, the colors, bundling up in bed and cozy coats when I go out, hats and gloves and scarves and hot cocoa and fires in the fire place... and this year, I get to see Levi experience his first fall season! He got a leaf stuck on his ear and spent the next 5 minutes sniffing the leaves on the ground around him. It makes me want to rake up all the leaves in the backyard into a big pile just to see how cute the first time he plays in it. I guess I'll have a lot to be thankful for in Oregon this Thanksgiving.

But that's for next month. This month's dilemma: halloween costume! Naked Rose is the best one but I'm around too many kids to rock that one. I also need to get a really great coat this year, and I definitely want a North Face jacket. I just want to be warm all the time.

New Heights

School has started again, and everything is exactly the same as it always is. I've been laughing a lot more than I have in a long time and just thoroughly enjoying life. I feel good about where I am and, while I'm obviously terrified, I'm excited about where I'm going, wherever that is. I think I'd be okay doing just this for a while, and since I have (at least) two years of school left, it looks like I will be.

I got a raise at work and now I drive the school-van. It's just a gray minivan with a School Bus sign and blinking red lights and yellow license plates, but it's so badass. This ride is already pimped.

I have homework to do. I forgot about how much school actually sucks.

Frankie say

My best friend left for Scotland on Thursday and I have been so lonely without her. Candy bars were 2/$1 at CVS, and I bought two... for myself. I'm going to get so fat if these things keep happening.

I have also lost my voice every week I've worked at camp this summer. It's Sunday night and I don't have it back yet, so this week is going to suck. I guess now is a good time to learn sign language. Or I'll carry around a mini chalkboard.

I have a decent amount of money in my banking account and I think I'm actually going to afford books this semester. I'm having a lot of fun this summer, and I really don't want school to start. I'm very relaxed.

I rise, you fall.

Yesterday was kickass. Went to see Transformers 2 with Sara and it was uh-may-zing. Seriously, the tits. Then we made mac n cheese and drank a bottle of Yellow Tail sparkling white wine. Today was great, too. Walked around the block with the biff and pups, shopped for CAMP.

Oh yeah, camp version 7.0 starts tomorrow. HOLY COW. 7 years.

I'm not readyyyyy. Now I have to do laundry, grocery shop, clean muh room, get lunch ready for tomorrow.... oh geeze. Good thing I got this new kickass Spider-Man backpack to put all my stuff in. Oh helllll yeah.

The Hangover

"That's the real world for you: Mr. Dauterive getting kicked in the groin."