Darkness?

I don't know why I reacted the way that I did. I can't really grasp it, but something in my snapped; I got so angry I just wanted to hit him to make him stop talking. Was I that deeply affected by Sticks & Bones? Am I now that person who can't hear the words, "I don't support the troops"? Or am I just ultra sensitive because I no longer have anything to distract me from this void?

That must be the one, here comes that emotion again. Why does it always happen this way? A project comes along, and I slough everything else off: school, laundry, loneliness? This emotion always seems to surface once my schedule opens up, once I have nothing left to hide behind.

I'm sad, but I still believe that something great will come along. True, it's been years (long ones, I might add), but I'm still young. I'm sure there's someone out there who will appreciate me for all of my flaws and my accomplishments alike. I know that there is something worth hoping for, and I seem to be at a loss when met with someone who no longer sees that hope. Did I react because that could be my future? I say that I will always have hope and see silver linings, but didn't he once? Or has life always been that dark and narrow?

How does one lose hope?

Or, better yet, how does one avoid losing hope?

school and stuff

Here's my weekly schedule until the end of October, in case anyone is interested. Really, I just want to see what it looks like all drawn out:

Monday:
6:30 - 9 am -- work @ YMCA pre-school
9:30 am - 1:45 pm -- school (3 classes)
2 - 5:30 pm -- work @ YMCA after-school
7 - 10ish pm -- rehearsal

Tuesday:
6:30 - 9 am -- work @ YMCA pre-school
9:30 am - 1:45 pm -- school (3 classes)
2 - 5:30 pm -- work @ YMCA after-school

Wednesday:
6:30 - 9 am -- work @ YMCA pre-school
9:30 am - 1:45 pm -- school (3 classes)
2 - 5:30 pm -- work @ YMCA after-school
7 - 10ish pm -- rehearsal

Thursday
6:30 - 9 am -- work @ YMCA pre-school
9:30 am - 1:45 pm -- school (3 classes)
2 - 5:30 pm -- work @ YMCA after-school

Friday:
6:30 - 9 am -- work @ YMCA pre-school
2 - 5:30 pm -- work @ YMCA after-school
7 - 10ish pm -- rehearsal




OUCH. Love those weekends...

wedding ring flows..

I haven't written here in a long time. It's not because I have nothing to say, it's because I always have someone to say it to. Same is true for right now, of course, but I feel like reflecting.

My mind has been on relationships lately, or rather, my lack-there-of. It's been a long time since I've wondered what is wrong with me, thought it might be my fault that no one likes me. Now, and for some time, I realize that there is nothing wrong with me. In fact, I'm a great catch. I'm easy to get along with and am often praised for my sense of humor; my friends love me because I am great to them, and my kids at the Y for the same reason. I have a lot of love in me and it's just dying to get out, find a release, and that's what makes me the most sad. I have so much to offer and I just want to find someone who realizes that, and has something to offer me, too. I am a hopeless romantic, and I suppose it's my fault for waiting to be swept off my feet, but fairy tales must come from some grain of truth, right? Is it so wrong to believe in love so much, especially when there is none right now? Not to say I don't have options, but it's never the right one. Anytime I put energy somewhere, it comes back from somewhere else. Was it something I said?

School starts soon, and I'm feeling my free time slip between my fingers, which is okay at this point. I'm feeling sad lately and spending a lot of time alone in my room. I guess part of me is very ready to start becoming a face in the crowd at Fitchburg State UNIVERSITY.

Damn, how things change when time flies...

Time to recant.

Not because I was told to, but because the last entry was written off emotions, so this one should be too. It's easy to forget that reaching out to someone can be as easy as walking in the front door after a long day. When I got home I was prepared to spend the entire night curled up in bed, wallowing, and all it took was a conversation to turn my whole night around. It's amazing how just talking to someone can make you feel so much better, and I, like most people, often forget that and leave my misery to myself.

The support is there, it's just up to me to use it properly. I won't delete my last post because it is a very valid one, just not always. There will always be someone here for me, but sometimes it's just easier to feel sorry for myself than it is to admit that a turnaround is right downstairs.

I love you, mom. I'm slowly learning to grab your hand when you extend it. Please don't stop trying. (And thank you for not giving up, no matter how many times you wanted to.)

Use your resources.

It's really difficult to live in such a big house with someone who is so far away from you all the time. It gets hard to stand your ground when someone is always trying to pull it out from under you. Having someone to talk to is such a gift, and if it's not at your fingertips, it's often hard to grasp. The feeling of being closer to someone who is 3,000 miles away than to someone who is right downstairs is something that I still haven't settled into, but it is nice to think about the support that is being sent my way, even if it takes a little longer.

I guess I'm just finding it harder and harder to bend around her, and I'm afraid I might break. I know not to bite the hand that feeds, but what if the hand is balled into a fist? (A non-threatening fist, of course, but clenched nonetheless.)

I am successful for what I am. I am a dean's list student. I work part-time at a job that I love, and that loves me right back. I have friends and a car (that I pay for) and I am well-liked and well-received by almost everyone that matters. But it's that 'almost' that is sometimes the only thing that matters.

Seasons.

The seasons this year have come and go so quickly that it's been difficult to get a grasp on them. I've never really noticed the change in seasons as much as I have this year, and the cold came way too quickly. I remember the day that I looked at the 10-day forecast, and for the first time in months, there wasn't a day with a high above 70. There are a few aspects of the season that make it bearable, and they're almost worth it; the smells, the colors, bundling up in bed and cozy coats when I go out, hats and gloves and scarves and hot cocoa and fires in the fire place... and this year, I get to see Levi experience his first fall season! He got a leaf stuck on his ear and spent the next 5 minutes sniffing the leaves on the ground around him. It makes me want to rake up all the leaves in the backyard into a big pile just to see how cute the first time he plays in it. I guess I'll have a lot to be thankful for in Oregon this Thanksgiving.

But that's for next month. This month's dilemma: halloween costume! Naked Rose is the best one but I'm around too many kids to rock that one. I also need to get a really great coat this year, and I definitely want a North Face jacket. I just want to be warm all the time.

New Heights

School has started again, and everything is exactly the same as it always is. I've been laughing a lot more than I have in a long time and just thoroughly enjoying life. I feel good about where I am and, while I'm obviously terrified, I'm excited about where I'm going, wherever that is. I think I'd be okay doing just this for a while, and since I have (at least) two years of school left, it looks like I will be.

I got a raise at work and now I drive the school-van. It's just a gray minivan with a School Bus sign and blinking red lights and yellow license plates, but it's so badass. This ride is already pimped.

I have homework to do. I forgot about how much school actually sucks.